Hello fellow readers, welcome to the unfortunate, smelly, hairy doggie door of my life. In the following words are the highlights in my life which I refer to as: the rat tails of my burger, the fingernails of my salad, the pieces of glass in my soda, and the mullets of the 80’s. Hopefully somewhere through this biography, the reader will learn not to live life like I have.
First off is my name: Alan Cheesehead. The Alan part is fine; it's the Cheesehead I can't get over. Maybe if my last name was Smith or Brown, or even Johnson I’d be happy. But I guess I'm not one to complain, my mom's name is Imma Cheesehead. Now let's talk about my birth. Obviously I can't remember much, but my mom told me is that when they cut the cord, I took the scissors and stabbed the doctor in the shoulder. In extreme pain and anger he threw me out the window on the eighth floor. Luckily the soft impact of a ninety-eight year old woman's body saved me. Unfortunately neither the doctor nor the women survived. At the age of seven seconds and I was already a mass murderer. So they took me home in a cat carrier. Then all of a sudden I started biting myself and they had to put one of those inverted cup thingies around my neck. I was very pissed.
Another big event that happened was when I was three. The rent on the trailer was up to $90,000 a month (something tells me they wanted us to leave) so we had to leave. I asked a biker named Jon to drive me to Egypt so I could be sent up the Nile and he gladly accepted. Instead he drove straight into the ocean! I think he had a few too many drinks so I let him float there until a snuck onto a boat. It was going to France, but I didn't care. When I reached the port, I started an interesting conversation with a non-English-speaking porter:
"Where's the bathroom?" I asked. The man took out a book entitled: Correctly English in 2 Month.
"It…they…the manly…duck-like…pomegranate…is around my…ankle."
"Are you sure?"
"Socks. Them…it…your mother represents…tile…orange tile."
"Ooh whoo! He's just dissed you out, brother!" a sailor shouted from the crowd. That was it; I wasn't going to take anymore from this sick, perverted freak. I reached in my pocket and with drew my classic, deluxe, custom, designer, luxury, prestige, high quality, premium, select, gourmet, combat banana knife. Sacre bleu, that freak ran like a chicken, slow and clumsily. After that, pirates attacked the harbor, injuring millions. I defended myself with the banana knife, but it wasn't enough. They captured me and dropped me off at my mom's house. After a few whacks with the garden hose and I promised them I’d never leave her alone for a second again, I went out to see a movie, alone. After the film was over my mom called me on a pay phone in a dark alley and told me to pick up my medicine at the drug store. When I got up to the counter the fat woman with the cheap uniform (who had on an enormous amount of cheap perfume and makeup) said in an unusually loud voice:
"HERE'S YOUR CONSTIPATION MEDICINE MR. CHEESEBRAIN (giggling)." Clearly she was trying to embarrass me for everyone in the store was laughing.
"I'm sorry; there must have been a mistake for I am Mr. Cheesehead."
"OH, I'M SORRY, YOU’RE RIGHT MR. CHEESEHEAD. HERE'S YOUR TOE CREAM FOR THE WARTS ON YOUR LEFT FOOT. IT MUST HURT; DO YOU WANT A FOOT MASSAGE, LITTLE BABY? AHHHH, IS BABY GONNA’ CRY NOW?" She was spitting at me.
"No, but I know what you need woman. You first need to get that crud
off your face and get a Tic-tac cuz’ I can tell
that garlic onion taco breath from a mile away. Until then, get your
fat, ugly, double-digit IQ, quadruple digit weight down on the drag queen
express." After that I got my cream quickly and left. You don't
want to stay in a situation like that too long.
I just got a weird
thought. Approaching 700 words and I haven't even gotten to age six.
Oh well, hopefully a sequel will be made to express the situations of my
further years. This includes:
- My first dog
-My last dog (legally)
-I meet dad
-Grandma dies
-Terrorist rents
room
-Terrorist gets mad
-We move
-Mom hits mayor with
car
-We move again
-I am hypnotized
by omelet and more, all coming up next week in the next: Life
Highlights 2: Maturity Still Seizes to Exist.